“The body is shaped, disciplined, honored, and in time, trusted." Well I am 19 years old and so far I haven't achieved any of those things with my body. As I lay on the beach with my friend tanning I notice all the flawless bodies walking back and forth. After all I do live in California where your body is everything and everything is nipped and tucked to perfection. How come all these people get to feel so confident with their bodies and I, despite the fact that I am slightly underweight, feel so awkward and cannot bear to be seen in anything other than a one piece. Dieting has been my obsession for as long as I can remember however even though my whole eating lifestyle is based on diets I always feels so fat. I turned my head around and looked at my best friend Angy who was lying next to me. Angy and I are as different as night and day but that is part of what keeps our friendship going .Unlike me Angy does not worry about her body she just eats what she wants and exercise without even counting the calories. She sometimes might even eat after 8 at night which is a thing that I haven’t done in years I felt the need to change the subject that was going on in my head and so I remembered that today they would call and let us know if they are going to renew our scholarships. I attended UCLA University and at the end of every year they would call and let us know if our scholarships were still ongoing.
“Hey do you have any idea around what time they would be calling us?" I asked
“Oh! I forgot to tell you! I went and talked to the headmaster and he said they'd be making their calls at around 3”
“Well then we don't have to wait for long since it is already 2:30”
For once something other than my weight was taking over me. What if I don't get this scholarship? Where would I go? What will I do? All these questions wondered my head and I was so deep in thought that when my phone rang it scared the hell out of me. I answered
“Hello, yes this is Kimberly James”
The voice was a lady's and soon I recognized that she was the headmaster's secretary my heart started thumbing and I could barely breathe! It felt as if all the air had been knocked out of me. Tears rolled down my eyes and terrible thoughts filled my head. I didn't even bother saying another word before hanging the phone up on her. I hadn't made it they were going to take away my scholarship! I turn towards Angy who has this puzzled look on her face. She as well hadn't made it, and she was trying to figure out how much money she had and if she could get a student loan. The fact that she was able to try and quickly solve such a big problem amazed me. We pack our things stop at the grocery shop and we buy tons of food to help us forget our pain. When we get to our apartment we I start to cry and eat and eat and I cry! We went on for hours and them we fell asleep covered in all sorts of wrappers.
I wake up the next morning and I look around realizing how much food we had eaten! I run to the scale only to find out that I had gained 2 kg!! 2kg!!! So immediately without even giving it a second thought I sat on my knees and hung my head over the toilet seat as I shoved a spoon inside my mouth. I kept throwing up for about 15 min and I felt sick as hell. However after taking a bath I found out that the vomiting had in fact helped since I lost 3 kg!! The 2 I had gained and the additional one! I didn't get what was so wrong with what I just did! So I had thrown up! I didn't get why people stressed so much over it! It was so much easier than all the dieting and absolutely quicken with the results! However what I didn't realize that with time it would become an obsession and not only would I do it when I was in stress. I went and talked to my so called mother and found out that I had enough savings to afford another year! However the conversation that happened at my mom's house was what really pissed me off! My mom and I never had a good relationship. She always kept bringing me down no matter what I did I was never good enough and one would have think that I was used to it by now but turns out I wasn't. My mother has one purpose for me in life which is to get married. Therefore she is the only one who cares about my weight and outer appearance more than I do.
“I don't get why you are wasting your time and all this money!" She exclaimed
“What do you mean?"
“You know exactly what I mean I knew from the beginning I told you that that college was way out of your league but you wouldn't listen to me. Instead of attending these useless classes that you won’t even remember having you could come with me to social event so we can finally find you a decent man”
I swear sometimes I think my mom’s is still stuck in the stone age where you’re supposed to get married before you’re 12! So I snapped the check out of her fingers ran towards the door and with a screw you almost broke the door as I slammed it behind me. I went home and started complaining to my only friend these days the toilet since Angry was in her own world trying to find a way to stay in college. I started vomiting and throwing up and it went on for hours and I would eat something just in order to throw up again. After hours that seemed like days I was exhausted and so I stood up to leave and everything was black and all I heard was a thud.
“Kim! Kiiimmmm! “I heard someone screaming between sobs.
My throat felt dry and I felt really week. I could barely open my eyes and there was this terrible aching in my head.
I tried to mouth the word “water” however after a useless effort everything went black again.
I woke up to find myself in a hospital bed! What was going on?
Next to me my twin brother Jake is sleeping on the couch. My eyes are filled with tears. My brother and I are so close and have always been there for each other, however I hadn’t seen him in so long since he went to study abroad and with both of us crammed with work we barely kept contact. Despite all that, he was next to me when I most needed him and that made me feel so much better. I didn’t want to wake him up since he was sleeping so peacefully. So I start looking around me and find Angy and a guy I knew from school standing outside drinking coffee and talking. I recognized that guy his name was Ed something and he was in my business class, but what was he doing here? Last time I checked Angy was single! However I had to admit that he looks real handsome. He had deep grey-blue eyes, wavy black hair and his smile was like the ones you only see on toothpaste boxes. He was tall and he seemed ripped! How come I had never seen him before? He looked just like my type! I was so deep in thought that I didn’t even notice my brother who seemed to have woken up and was hugging me! His hug was so intense and filled with love and I needed that! It had been so long since I felt that someone deeply and truly cared about where I would end up! Again tears filled my eyes and I tried to hold them back. That turned out to be a huge failure since I started sobbing unable to stop. It was like everything I had been holding back and kept bottled in was finally exploding.
"Hey hey, don't cry! I'm here now ... we'll get through this together. “He said as he pulled me in for another hug.
After I ran out of tears, my brother looked me in the eyes and said in a calm soothing yet worried look
"We need to talk about what happened, you've been diagnosed with bulimia!"
"Oh! Well.. It’s just that the stress got to me!" I said trying to look away
"Why didn't you talk to anyone? Why did you take things that far?"
"Well you were away, and you know how mother is! I was going to lose my scholarship and I needed to feel good at least about thing! "
"So you thought vomiting and putting yourself in danger would make you feel any better?" I could see the fury in his rising.
"You don't get to judge! You have no idea what I’ve been going through” I snapped!
I could him trying to calm down, breathing in and out very slowly...
“Well I’m here now and your going to get some help and we’ll work through this “
We hear a knock on the door and we both turn around to find end and angry looking at me and smiling. Angry comes running and gives me a hug at first real tight but then realizing how small vie become and loosens up a little bit. Ed just stands awkwardly at the door looking at the dull paintings hung on the walls of the room. I pull Angry and a little closer and whisper:
“Who’s that cute guy by the door?
“He’s all yours Hun” she said and I could hear the smile in her voice
She then went held his hand and got him closer to the bed.
“Ed as you knows this Angry!”
“Angy this Ed! He’s been worried sick about you”
I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw him getting all red and trying to subtly punch her in the arm.
“Hi Ed, I’m Kim it’s really nice to meet you”
“Hey I hope you’re feeling better. I know you don’t really know me but if you need anything I’ll be here “
We sit down all four of us and start chatting for a while trying to forget the state that I’m in. A Nurse all dressed in white soon enters and with her calm air of authority asks everyone to leave and states that they will release me the next day since I’m doing great. She asks to see my brother outside so that they can discuss my case. As they leave Ed lingers behind once everyone’s gone he comes closer looks me in the eye and says something that at the time I just thought was something he’s rehearsed. He looks into my eyes as if penetrating making me feels as if I’m naked and says:
“Kim since the day you set foot in business class I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you. I think about you most of the time and would have never have thaw guts to do this if you weren’t here in the hospital. This has made me realize how short life really is and how I should grab every opportunity. I might seem a little too forward but I promise that I will do anything to protect you, so would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?”
I was actually saved by the Nurse and not the bell she walked into the room and she forced him to go out. He quickly gave me a card with his number on it and left the room. Once everyone was out I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. Then it hit me what he was saying was true. Life is too short! I actually found a guy who cares enough about me and I’m not going to turn him down so I grabbed my cell phone and wrote a text that had only one word, one simple word, one word that would change my life : YES !
Once I got out of the hospital my brother, Angy and Ed insisted that I take therapy! My brother actually transferred to UCLA to be next to me. On one hand I liked the attention that I was getting and having all my loved ones around me on the other hand though I was like a burden despite how much they tried to make me feel like I wasn’t. After the first date with Ed we seemed to hit things off and we were becoming a pretty solid in love couple. One date led to the other, one kiss led to the other and I was actually falling for this guy. He was my therapy and I think he knew it (didn’t want to admit it though he’d become to cooky).
Life was going pretty well after a while, classes were getting back to normal and the number of therapy sessions was decreasing to once a week. I was eating healthier food and more frequently. I have to admit though sometimes I was tempted o go to the bathroom and feel the food riding up my throat the look in my brother’s eyes or the way Ed told me he was so proud of me always made me come back. Life was great and everything was back on track. That was until the moment .... That horribly devastating moment when the thud returned and I fell on the ground.
It’s a typical Saturday afternoon and imp getting dressed to go eat loch with Ed when I suddenly feel this terrible heartache. I start to lose all feeling in my body and I try to keep my eyes open. I can feel my heart beating real strong. Everything starts to slowly go black. The pain in my heart keeps getting stronger and stronger. The last thing I remember was hitting the ground.
For the next time this year I wake up in a hospital all confused and tied up to tubes! This time however I don’t know what happened! I was following all of the doctor’s orders! I feel this unbearable pain in my heart and I almost scream however it then slowly starts to go away and I feel my breathing going back to normal. What was going on? Why was I here? Where is everyone? Something didn't feel right but I just couldn't figure out what. That sixth sense that woman "supposedly" have started to kick in and I felt that something had gone terribly wrong. I needed answers so I look around and find my cell phone lying on the small table next to me. I reluctantly reach for it scared of what my brother has to say on the other end. I find his name in my contacts and call him.
"Hey Jake, It's me Kim ! What's going on? Why am I in the hospital and where are you guys?”
I can sense an air of sorrow and sadness however some sort of relief when he replies
“I’m on my way; I'll explain everything once I get there"
The minutes seemed like hours maybe even days, I tried to distract myself but I just couldn't concentrate on anything. My mind kept going back to my brother's voice. After what seemed like an eternity my brother walks into the room with swollen eyes apparently from crying and he is wearing a black tux. WHAT ON EARTH WAS GOING ON!
"Jake” my voice is shivering and I can barely get the words out” Can you please explain to me whets going on?”
“It turns out that you have HCM and that means that your heart may sometimes not function properly. In your case, it was bad and so we needed a heart transplant. You have to know that if we hadn't done that you wouldn't be here today"
"Wait so I’ve had a heart transplant!" I exclaimed "Who is the donor?”
"Read this letter and you'll understand everything!" He said with tears starting to fill his eyes.
Dear Kim,
These past few months with you have been the best months of my life. I'm glad that I've met you let alone loved you and got you to love me. From the first time I laid eyes on you I knew you were the girl for me. The first time I promised you that I would anything in my power to protect you! Giving you my heart is what it took to protect you! It wasn't much since it already was yours. I don't want you to feel any kind of guilt and you have to understand that the choice I took was completely up to me. All I ask of you is to enjoy your life to the fullest and always remember "everyday is a gift that's why we call it the present". I will love you forever and always!
Truly and lovingly;
Ed
By the time, I had finished reading the letter I was crying hysterically! What had he done?! My brother embracing me was not better than I was. Until now I had never realized how cruel life could be....
The first few months were the hardest! I was constantly miserable and the only time I went out of my room was to see my therapist. My brother had caught me a few times trying to throw up and he and Angy were taking turns babysitting me. With time though things started to improve and with the help of my therapist it started to sink in that I at least owed it to Ed to live my life to the fullest and make him proud. I started going back to my classes and everything had a purpose now. My purpose was to make Ed's wish and only demand come true. He was always in my heart and on my mind. I also always know now that I have an angel looking after me no matter how hard life gets!
